Wednesday, February 8, 2006

pleasure doing business with ya

And thus begins my ventures into the wonderful world of ebay . . .

Did you know you can sell stuff for money on ebay? It's true! They should tell people about this! It's amazing! For example - you can have, oh, say a pair boots that you bought on a whim two years ago. They weren't exactly what you wanted, but the ones you did want were 1/2 size too small and you can't exactly walk out of Last Chance empty handed! So let's just say, for the sake of argument, that the boots have potential. They are the right color, they are the right size, they go almost to your knee, the left one might make a tiny squeaking noise when you walk, but they are boots! Everyone needs boots! Then let's just pretend that you want to wear them - but every time you put them on, you can't get the zipper more than halfway up because of your bulging calves. There's nothing like tall, skinny boots that forces one to admit and then despize the sheer size of one's lower leg. Life officially sucks at this point.

You might think to yourself, "I'll take them to the shoe repair shop - they can stretch out the leather!" But it will do you no good, no good at all. Your calves will still spill over the stretched boot leather like muffin tops. As the circulation drains from your legs and your feet go numb, it occurs to you - let's face it, these boots were just not meant for me (and my rhino calves). Then you hear about ebay. You sign up, you log on, and cash magically appears in your wallet 5 days later! Now, do not be discouraged and get depressed when no one immediatly bids on your boots. It's amazing how you start to compare yourself with your unwanted and unpopular item up for bid. Here come the auction snipers! These people wait for the last minute of an auction to strike. After a short bidding frenzy, you have a cool $30. I am hooked. Forget charity - I'm going to ebay!

Friday, February 3, 2006

Blog Boblog

My week in a nutshell.

Can I get a hell yeah! if:

1. you are a compulsive hand washer bordering on obsessive.
2. "gum" is your favorite flavor.
3. you like pina coladas and walks in the rain.
4. you are a bit little dyslexic.
5. you lie about what your favorite TV show really is (Girlfriends).
6. you've ever said, "I can't come in to work today. I have explosive diarrhea."
7. you ever say something really stupid when asked a question like, "Have you seen the movie 'Rent'?" and you answer with "I hate Broadway! All of the music is absolute crap! I can't believe anyone would like it!" and then realize by the look on their face that they must really like Broadway musicals and you don't remember them actually asking for your opinion.
8. you have ever experienced a freudian slip at an inopportune time, such as a meeting at work or in church.
9. you like cheese - especially the kind that squeaks when you chew it.
10. you have had someone make you laugh so hard that you accidentally fart.

Right you are Ken!

The following story proves that you actually CAN buy happiness; and at Wal-Mart no less. Like most American homes, the central figure in our living room is a beautiful, silver 27-inch television. Now, at the beginning of the year, I made it quite clear to the two other people I live with that Thursday nights at 8pm will be solely dedicated to "My Name is Earl" and "The Office". One hour of must see TV is all I ask.

Things were going swimmingly until one fateful Thursday night when I had to endure perpetual channel surfing between "Dancing with the Stars", one of the many CSI derivatives (doesn’t matter which one, they're all the same), and the two shows I had officially staked my claim on. It is rather hard to enjoy oneself when your teeth are clenched in frustration while being forced to watch fake-tanned-to-the-point-of-new-species has-beens anxiously wait for judges to score their hideous attempt at a rumba while "My Name is Earl" has surely been back from commercial for at least 45 seconds! Now, lest you think I am overreacting, I had to endure all this AND people who have clearly never heard of the "do not talk to me under any circumstances during 'My Name is Earl'" rule. Having to endure watching one's favorite shows under the above circumstances is just too much to ask of someone living with people I barely know yet still has to clean up after!

I knew I had to take immediate action. Now, I have learned after living with strangers for much of my adult life that a confrontation about who gets to be couch commando over a TV that is in a clearly designated community zone can get ugly.

MXC Rocks! This guy got eliminated!So instead of explaining to my roommate how no one wants to watch the “Ellen Degeneres Show” she had taped (taped!) earlier that day instead of, say, “MXC: Most Extreme Elimination Challenge”, I went straight to the store and spent $140 on my own TV. Last night as I was enjoying watching Jason Lee and John Krasinsky in the comfort and quiet of my own room with some Diet Coke, taquitos and Twix, my only thought was that it was completely, absolutely, without a doubt, worth every penny.